Way back when before I had kids I used to write exclusively about my craft projects. Of course life was different then as I wasn’t living on the farm and kids just add a whole new level of crazy to life.
Sisters Quilt – Pieced by my sister, sister in law and myself made to join two states
My family is extremely close and as a result I was lucky enough to get to spend large amounts of time with both sets of grandparents growing up. Both my grandmother’s would sew some of my favorite memories with both involve sewing. As a matter of fact the room I sew in today is the same room I learned to sew in and spent hours in front of an old Singer sewing machine in.
One of the twins crib quilts
I consider myself lucky to have quilts from both of them.
The quilt from my Grandma K given to me for my wedding
When I first started sewing I couldn’t really get into making quilts but the older I get the more I’m drawn to making them. I made each of my boys baby quilts and recently finished quilts for their twin beds. I have also made quilts for three of my nephews and one of my nieces. It makes me feel as though I can wrap them in love even when I’m not there with them.
This is something I struggle with! I’m a people pleaser and I hate to disappoint people or hurt their feelings. As a result I often make myself miserable to make other happy and I tend to settle instead of fighting for what I really want. It has hurt my in my career and my personal life more than I care to admit.
I have had several people that I work with tell me, I don’t know my own worth. We do self reviews at work and all of them ask the question, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” I hate that question because I don’t know how to answer it. In my 13 years at my company, I have literally just done whatever needed done and learned what needed to be learned along the way. It has served me well. I love my company and what we do and I am good at what I do. I however will admit that over the last few years I have stressed and struggled until I was willing to admit what I wanted and how I wanted to move forward in my career. I’m thankful to my bosses who saw my potential even when I doubted myself.
In my personal life I have burned bridges that I never should have and fought for relationships that weren’t worth it. The truth is if you don’t like me as I am raw and emotional and I can’t trust you enough to be that real with you….chances are I shouldn’t be worried about what you think anyway.
I’ve learned a lot in the last year….
While I love developing software and having my hands in code at this point in my career I benefit everyone more as a Product Owner and I’m good at it. I love the controlled chaos that comes with coordinating all the different things my team is doing.
I need to be more honest with myself about what I want out of my personal relationships. And in being honest with myself I need to be honest with the people involved. It’s not the end of the world to cut ties with crappy friends. And if I tell someone how I’m really feeling and they tear me down that’s on them not on me.
Growing up my parents were involved in whatever my siblings and I were involved in coaching everything and sitting on boards. That meant that everyone knew/knows my parents. I remember my mom at one point making a comment about our door always being open and I didn’t really get it at the time. But as an adult I do and I strive to be the parent/friend my parents are.
I remember weekends and summers being full of extra kids someone was always sleeping over. My parents often picked up and dropped off kids on the way to and from practices. It was just normal as far as we were concerned.
My mom comes by this trait honestly as her mom was also the cool mom of her friends. Arranging roller skating trips complete with a bus to get the kids to and from the rink and hosting pool parties.
As an adult with kids of my own I realize what our door always being open meant. It meant this will always be a safe place. A safe place for my kids, their friends and all of my friends.
This trail is super close to my house and honestly I didn’t even know it existed prior to starting to use AllTrails. The app shows it as being a 3.6 mile out and back trail however I don’t think that is correct anymore as they added another parking lot at the far end. So technically you could start at one end and end at the other if someone wanted to do drop offs and pick ups. Not sure what the distance change is though as a I keep forgetting to turn my app on to track distance when there.
This is a mostly wooded trail which I love! It’s a little bit more difficult since it isn’t paved and has a few steep spots that you have to climb up and down as well as lots of tree roots.
I’ve talked a bit before about the fact that my kids love to hike and honestly so do I. I love being outdoors and walking. I have always found it to be my best form of stress release. In an effort to try to find additional places to hike I started using the AllTrails app (available in both the App Store and Google Play) and so far I are really loving it.
The AllTrails app is free to download and you can use it without creating an account. That being said if you create an account, you have two options the free account or a Pro account ($2.50/month) , you can keep track of your favorite trails. Creating an account also allows you to create and share custom maps. I’m going to start playing with this feature soon, as I have noticed that there are some other local trails not showing up when searching that it would be cool to add.
Recently someone asked me what I want to do on the farm. Honestly this isn’t something I feel like, I spent a ton of time on if any this year. I always ask the boys what their goals are for the year in January. Below are the goals they set for this year…
J’s Farm Goals
Baby Goats
Shovel poop
Water cows at least once a week
R’s Farm Goals
Baby Goats
Feed the goats at least once a week
Feed the pigs at least once a week
I think they did a much better job of actually setting goals than I did this year. Most of my list of goals is actually the plan for the year. I’ve lived on the farm for the better part of my 37 years hear on earth and I’m still adjusting to making decisions about what we will and what we won’t do so it’s hard for me to set goals.
Over the weekend I was reflecting on what I want when it comes to the farm and I have some goals for myself:
When I struggle with my healthy living journey I often find myself reflecting on the things that have shaped me. What do I feel defines me?
I’m a country girl thru and thru, much more comfortable bare foot running around the barn than a fancy event
I’m a twin/boy mom…how many times can I hear “are they twins” or listen to my kids talk about farts, Pokemon, super heroes and break up fist fights…..Did you know 8 year olds can stink worse from sports than any adult man?
I’m always changing always trying to grow and learn from my failures
I’m a survivor.
I’m a survivor that can mean so many things. It can mean you simply work your butt off to get by, that you fought and beat an illness, or (in my case) survived abuse by one of my ex boyfriends.
This is a fact that used to be hard for me to admit but these days it’s just a fact that I’ve learned from. This fact has been on my mind a lot lately probably because so many women around me are struggling thru abuse currently.
I’m going to start by saying I’m far luckier than some women that I know. I never had any bones broken and was lucky enough that when I was ready to walk away I had an awesome support system that helped me.
Peoples views on abuse still astound me. Not long after getting out of that relationship I worked with a girl who was clearly being physically abuses. Hard as she tried she couldn’t cover all the bruises. One night she missed a shift and I found myself closing down with a couple of older women one of whom was one of our managers and they were talking about her expressing how they couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t just walk away. I listened quietly for a while getting angrier and angrier by the minute until I finally turned around to both and said “Have either of you ever been hit by a man you love” they both looked shocked and shook their heads no. At which point I continued “Then neither of you have a right to judge the fact that she isn’t strong enough to walk away yet because you have no idea what she is going thru. Everyone always says they will never let it happen to them. I was one of those women and you know what walking away was pure hell.” I remember both apologizing. I don’t think the girl ever came back to work I hope that it wasn’t because she was seriously injured at her boyfriends hands.
This isn’t the only conversation along those lines I have had to sit thru. Even now it seems that the abused isn’t believed that people are far to happy to believe what they see.
The truth about abuse is that more often than not everything from the outside looking in is perfect. I remember always faking a smile and acting the part knowing if I didn’t there would be hell to pay at the end of the night. I remember thinking God I hope he doesn’t drink tonight. For years I wouldn’t go to bar or even drink with a man unless I was absolutely sure I could trust him.
Even now there are things that will cause me to recoil. The current mask requirements send me into a panic attack often especially when it’s hot. I can’t stand anything covering my face that happens when someone holds a pillow over your face. I don’t like hands in my face either and will do anything to avoid an argument with my significant other. I lack self confidence and require reassurance often.
Abuse should never be the victims fault and far to often it still is from conversations I have witness. “Well you know he has a temper”, “If you would stop talking while you were ahead.” “Is it really abuse or does someone else just say it’s abuse” These comments make me furious. Did you know that according to The National Domestic Violence Hotline “More than 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and more than 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.” Further according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence “48.4% of women and 48.8% of men have experienced at least one psychologically aggressive behavior by an intimate partner.”
Next time you want to pass judgement take a step back and ask yourself how you would feel if it was your son or daughter being put thru that hell. Offer your support instead of your criticism because you never know what happens behind closed doors because we all hide our secrets behind those closed doors.
The last few weeks have been hard I’ve hit a wall of sorts and am paying the price! I run an active Facebook group for Healthy Living and fail regularly!
Fail to make it out of bed, to make good food choices, to drink enough water, get enough sleep, to control my temper and manage my time!
But you know what I also don’t really care, because I’m imperfect and if you don’t like me we don’t have to be friends! The truth is if you don’t like the way my house looks when you come visit don’t visit, we live here and if we are ok with it that’s all that matters. If you don’t like that I cuss like a sailor that’s fine too! Note: to all the parents of my kids friends I should come with a warning!
You have to love yourself enough to simply not care what anyone else thinks because honestly you only want to surround yourself with people that love you as you come!
I have had several people mention recently that the pandemic has completely killed their motivation. I myself am feeling this. I’ve gained weight, my stress level is way up, my eating is ridiculous! I have continued with my workouts but since I’m fighting a knee injury it hasn’t been easy at all.
This morning I want to take a moment to step back and tell you that you are strong and beautiful and capable of anything you set your mind to. I’m here to support you in any way I can!
